Monday Posts

The Unknown

If I could write down every hour of my day and say exactly what I was going to do during that time, I would.  Okay, who am I kidding?  I do… sometimes.  It is a habit I am trying to get away from.  There is something important to me about getting comfortable with the uncomfortable, so here I am attempting to get comfortable with not planning everything out in pencil, (so I can erase & add information) on my legal pad on my kitchen table.

I have always wished I was a more “go with the flow” kind of gal.  The girl who can buy concert tickets the night before the show and just figure out the details on the fly.  Well, if you have ever had any plans with me you know that is NOT the case.  I need to know where to be, when to be there, and what to wear, all a minimum of 2 days before the plans themselves. If I don’t, I start to get anxious.

The only two things that give me true anxiety are school and the unknown of not planning.  And just as you have it- they both are in full force at the moment.

I have wanted to go to nursing school for some time now. It was very clear to me that I could not play field hockey in college and go to nursing school- it really just was not allowed.  I was mad for a little, but I finally sucked it up and created a plan of just how I was going to get to become a nurse after I graduated from MSU.

I have been taking steps to actually get there for about 3 years.  3 years of planning, plotting and studying my butt off to get there where I want to be, and a lot of anxiety along the way.  I had everything planned out- where I was going to go, what I was going to do, when I was going to graduate.  Everything was set in place.  All I had to do was wait to hear back.

I got two decisions back- a denial and a waitlist.  I have never had this happened to me.  When I want something, I do it.  End of story.  I have never had someone tell me no and they had the final decision. I know being waitlisted isn’t a “No”, its a “Maybe”.  Which is still hard because I am still waiting to see what my future holds.I can’t plot and plan exactly how my next few months (or even years) are going to look. I can’t start preparing. It is out of my control.

The moral of this- this is happening for a reason & IT IS OKAY TO NOT HAVE A PLAN. It’s not necessarily fair, doesn’t fully make sense, and I’m not happy about it, but all of it is out of my control! I just have to keep chugging on and continuing to try to be the best human I can be.  It will all workout, eventually I will know what my future is, but for now I don’t, and that is okay.  The unknown is scary, but learning to be a little less afraid of it is a good starting place.

I’m taking this whole week and not thinking about my future plans, especially nursing school – I deserve a break after thinking about it everyday for 3 years.

So here’s to letting go, living in the moment, and realizing that everything happens for a reason.

Stay positive, be grateful xxx

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